Playing in the Shambles

It’s hard to believe it’s the last day of the month. “Mom, where did yesterday go?”

Here I am, writing my first post with my new Averatec laptop. It isn’t really quite mine yet, but I’ve made the down payment.

Today, or should I say yesterday, has been/was the most amazing day.

I wish to mark a date and time: Friday, February 12, 2010, 6:10 PM CST.

For the most part, I don’t blog about the important things going on in my life. And there is no way I could blog what’s going on right now; it would be like trying to blog a book. In fact, I am pretty sure it is entirely book-worthy. The names will have to be changed to protect the innocent, even though there seem to be none who are truly innocent, except for any children who might get a mention. Happily, though, there are no children involved. I guess that means everybody’s guilty of something.

As for myself, my sense of guilt has to do with lessons learned. Let me try to be less oblique. One of the big lessons of my life now seems to be about self-control; the whole “you can only control yourself”, or at least your own responses to things.

The word “response” is important, I think, as opposed to “reaction”. Stephen Covey talks a little about this in his Seven Habits. I am sure this is talked about all over the place. It surely has been talked about in my life lately.

I have noticed that the things that hurt me most, by which I mean things that come back to me and cause me emotional pain, are things I’ve done, specifically reactions to things. On the other hand, as I think about it, when I respond well, it isn’t so much proud of myself that I feel; just good, and sort of a sense of peace. Actually I will have to think more about this, since looking at this side of it just sort of occurred to me.

At any rate, at the moment I find myself caught up in a situation that has been wearing on me both emotionally and physically. However, right now it seems like it is a spiritually awesome situation. I can’t deny that I have grown as a person. I also can’t deny that I have really needed it, and I’m quite sure I have plenty of “finishing” left to do. In some ways, I barely recognize myself anymore. No, that may be going too far, but I do know that, despite everything, I am the better for it. I have complained, if only to myself (mostly), that it has been “sucking the life out of me”, but I was wrong. Sure, I think it has aged me in some ways, but mostly I think it has been sucking the crud out of me.

Ten days without a cigarette have gone by. I just rolled up a pretty stick of Peter Stokkebye Turkish Export; the first from a brand-new can, my last. I’m still enjoying the Röda Lacket Lös I have in my mouth right now, but in a little while I believe I’m going to have a smoke.

I sent my other can to a friend; I hope I’m not going overboard in calling him a friend, still, he is someone I like (although there are those who would wonder why I would give cigarette tobacco to someone I like, and I get that). He has been using snus for years and says he only smokes a cig now and then, and only if he has tobacco. He mentioned to me that this can (300 grams) may last him a year. I don’t know that mine will last that long, but I would like to see how long I can stretch it out.