…if only to say that yerba mate has come back into my life, quite unexpectedly, even as I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m glad.
It was a snus connection, too. These are two things I like: one new but well-established, one from the past but in a way new again.
I do have reasons to be grateful, and I don’t mean just consumables like snus and yerba mate.
WTF do I say? Do I talk about my day? What I’m about to eat? What I’m snusing? What I’m thinking? I’m thinking about writing a blog post. There. Is that enough content yet? Is it even content at all?
Everything they make, I like:black, white, original portion, the awesome lös, even the minis. LD rocks. I feel you, LD.
My carefully-tallied spreadsheet says I have now consumed eighty cans of tasty, wonderful snus. Some of it has been especially wonderful, and some of it I would more say “interesting”.
This does not account for sampler packs, partially-eaten traded cans, or the partly-full can of General Whites I dumped accidentally that one time.
Still, 80 is a good, round number. And here’s a little thing I did right before I noticed I’d reached this sort-of milestone:
Mah Snus Top 11 by usage:
General lös, 6
General portion, 5
Ettan portion, 4
General white portion, 4
Claq Qui sterk portion, 3
General Ekstra Sterk lös, 3
General Ekstra Sterk portion, 3
Grov lös, 3
Grov portion, 3
Kronan lös, 3
Röda Lacket white portion, 3
Eleven because I’ve seven tied for fifth (and two tied for third). It’s been less than five months, so it could shake out some. This is the closest I’ve been able to get to a Top Five.
And I’m thinking of what to do about it. With regard to the blog, I could
Hell, I dunno, it all seems like a lot of work, and especially time I don’t really seem to have. And concentration, that’s a big one. I’m doing good just to do what I do. The problem is, what I do seems pretty meaningless, so it might be better not to even do it. Which leads to another possibility: just dropping the whole thing. If I choose that, do I take it out with a (probably pathetic) bang, or with a whimper, just quietly slipping the whole thing off the ‘Net?
I dunno. However, I am considering trying out a new host with a different domain. Just get a fresh start with everything, and see how that goes. That will cost even more money, but it doesn’t have to be a whole lot just to play around at first. Then, with what I learn from that, I can come back and reinvent HeadWreck. Or not.
…ready to seize control of my own life. Ha ha! That’s rich.
But I do have some room for maneuver, although for some reason right now I really want to write “manure”. I’d better stop before it gets too deep.
Insomnia. I’ve got a stiff neck. I think I may be getting a cold.
Had a strange dream for the hour and a half I might have been asleep. I was in the kitchen, and it was dark. I had been cooking, and wanted to make sure the stove was off. The control arrangement was different in my dream; the four knobs for the burners (well, electric “burners”) were arranged in a horizontal line above the hood (there is no such hood). When I say it was dark, it was nearly pitch-black. I was desperately trying to reach the knobs, but I could barely move my hand. It was one of those dreams where you try and try, but it’s like moving your hand through thick wax.
In the dream I had tried turning on the kitchen light, but the bulb was burned out. I tried opening up the refrigerator door to see the knobs (this works in my real kitchen), but their placement above the hood blocked out the light. I was getting more and more distressed, making things worse, turning other knobs and pushing strange buttons–and then I awoke.
I have a pulled muscle in my shoulder and neck, slight but annoying, especially when I am lying down. I feel like I’ve been trying to come down with a cold. As I lay in bed, feelings of discomfort and misery began pushing in on me. My physical ailments combined with my thoughts of my present situation, with its frustrations, annoyances, and untenable direction, and as I huddled there, thoughts of suicide came to me, the first in a while. They were not strong or deep or lasting, but at last I got out of bed and cooked some bacon and eggs. Had toast, too, and even made some coffee. Probably not great for insomnia, but I feel much better now–groggy and still slightly pitiful, but at least I don’t feel like offing myself.
I hate to say it, but once in a while, food is a great drug, indeed.
Lots of comments (well, I’ve seen a few comments) on the Internet today about what to call this time of year. I’ll go with Merry Christmas, because that’s how I grew up knowing.
Whatever term you use, may you have a happy and blessed day. If you don’t believe in blessings, may you at least have a happy day. If you don’t believe in happiness, I think you want the blue door down the street.
I’m not very good at remembering certain sorts of facts. I just did a little reading and see that I missed the start of winter, and also the winter solstice, which coincide for my part of the world. That was Monday, and to the extent solstice is a moment and not a day, we are nearly four days on from that moment now. Monday, for me, was a frenetic, busy, turning day, a day of worry but also a certain kind of resolution. Things have just felt different since Monday. It feels like a turning point in the path.
Getting back to Christmas, for me, and based on what I was taught, today is the particular day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, to remember his life and his teachings. I cannot say whether this man literally walked upon the water or returned from the dead. I can say that I believe him when he said to have eternal life, you must be born again; first of the water, then of the Spirit. He said “God is [a] spirit” (according to my old King James Version Bible, as best as I an recall. I tried to figure out what the brackets were for, and the best I could do was that it meant the word was implied by the original text. It leaves a certain ambiguity there that I like). He also said “God is love”. He said that the whole of the law is a word, even this: Love. He went on to say that thou shalt love God with all thy heart, all thy soul, all thy mind, and all thy strength; and the second part of the law is like unto the first: love thy neighbor as thyself.
If there is any part of us that can live on, it surely cannot be any fleshly part of us, any part born like any other mammal (“the water breaks”). No, it must be something else, a second birth, a birth of the spirit. And that has something to do with love, and with recognizing a connection that bids us all to consider God with all that we are, and each other, and ourselves, as worthy of the same love.
Isaiah 9:6 (KJV):
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
The Prince of Peace.
I work for a man who is very ill now. He has subscribed me to The Daily Word, a publication of the Unity Church, for years. I must confess I rarely even look at it. The other day it had rained, and I couldn’t quite reach the booklet from the truck, so I left it in the back of the mailbox. A couple of days later, after it had rained, I walked up and fished the sodden little booklet out. Walking back to the house, I opened it toward the middle and my eyes fell on the top of the random page. It read, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”
Even so, let there be peace on this earth, through love and understanding of God, of one another, and of ourselves. If you do not believe in God, try to understand the Cosmos, and our place in it. For myself, believing in God is fundamental, but that’s a different thing from believing in a guy with a long beard in a chair in the sky. An important first step seems to be building one’s own belief, and being not afraid to discard information given by well-meaning others, for the fact is that any mortal is fallible, and anyone, even with the best of intentions, can lead another astray. That is why I fully expect and hope that anyone reading this will take only what is, or seems, useful, and disregard the rest. I believe that God is with us, all the time, giving us what we need, when we are ready, when we are receptive, when we ask. We can turn away from Him or fail Him, but He will never fail us. We need only to turn back, to open the door. Perhaps life is best lived when it consists of continually turning back to Him, of continually opening, or reopening, that door.
Let the love, and peace, and joy that is of the best aspect of us, our spiritual birthright, as best as I understand it, those things of which Jesus spoke and taught, fill your heart this day, and every day, forever.
Blood sugar still high, but at least moving in the right direction, 201 down from 229. Blood pressure not great, but a few points lower than last time: 149 over 85 if I remember correctly. So I’m stage one hypertension to borderline, but maybe more weight loss and continued improved eating can get it down a few more points. It’s never been great. I had a extra sterk snus in (Oden’s licorice) at the time; that might not have helped.
Weight was down four pounds, from 213 to 209 208.* It was [also] 208 on the Winn-Dixie scale yesterday. So four five pounds in four weeks is not too bad, depending on water weight.
I still have yet to nail down a blood glucose testing meter, and life is still crazy. But at least I am alive, and basically healthy, so far as I know. I just have some things to do.
Tomorrow I am to increase the metformin to three pills a day, and the doctor wants to see me in three months.
Crud. I don’t feel like doing anything.
